Abuse Survivors Support Groups Listed on DMOZ.org

On DMOZ.org, a human-edited web directory, there is a listing of support groups and self-help resources. I have not checked every one of them, so, if there are any broken links or negative resources, please leave a comment and let me know which ones may not be acceptable.

• Adam's Dimension - Adam's personal story about child sexual abuse and recovery.
• Downeast Maine Survivors - Child abuse survivors recovery, child advocacy, links, creative writing, and information.
• Garyp - A Survivor of Hell - A survivor's description of his life and the consequences.
• GhostWolf - Out of the Abyss - The biography, art, poetry and writings of GhostWolf, an incest survivor.
• In My Father's Arms - The story of a gay man molested in childhood by a father well known and loved by his community.
• Inside My Lost Solace - My life, my rape, my recovery, my beliefs, my pastimes, and my thoughts.
• Male Childhood Sexual Abuse Survivors - Male survivors telling their stories; resources for survivors; articles and information.
• Sexual Abuse Recovery Forum - A place of healing for survivors of sexual abuse and rape.
• Steve's - Open 24 Hours - Sexually abused from four years old until he was ten years old, his abuse remained buried until a traumatic event occurred.
• Story of the Child Abuse Man - Paul McLaughlin tells his story.
• Survivors Swindon - Supporting adult male survivors of child sexual abuse and adult sexual assaults.
• There's No Way I'm Telling Anybody - NHL star Sheldon Kennedy came forward in 1997 with a survivor's tale of sexual abuse at the hands of his junior hockey coach.

Definition of Abuse

Reading some information about sexual abuse on MenStuff.org made me realize I have taken a few things for granted. Being only one voice of an abused male, I have assumed people know what I am talking about. I hope the following definition makes it clear for anyone stumbling upon this web site.

Definitions of Sexual Abuse

Let's look at the definition of sexual abuse derived primarily from within the Recovery community.

• Physical sexual: involving intercourse, oral sex, anal sex, masturbation of the child, having a child masturbate an adult, sexual touching (fondling), sexual kissing and sexual hugging;
• Overt/explicit: involving voyeurism or exhibitionism
• Covert: involving verbal sexual abuse or lack of appropriate boundary setting with the child
• Emotional sexual: involving emotional enmeshment by the parent, child witness to sexual abuse or not providing appropriate and healthy sexuality information.

Male Sexual Abuse Victims of Female Perpetrators

As I have been conducting my research in my local library and through various resources on the Internet, I have found an interesting piece regarding the sexual abuse of males by female perpetrators. I had thought of this before since I was abused by several people during childhood, and one of them was a female.

The reality that boys are sexually abused by women is not widely accepted. Some people view it as an impossible act - that a male can’t be sexually assaulted by a female - and others view it as sexually titillating. The existence of female perpetrators and male victims confronts many of our most firmly held beliefs about women, men, sexuality, power, and sexual assault. It challenges our very notions about what sex is.

The view that males always want and benefit from sex with females

A commonly held view of heterosexuality is that men are always wanting and seeking sex with females; males are dominant, while females are submissive. Men initiate sexual encounters, and women accept or decline male invitations for sex. If a female initiates sexual contact with a male, this is viewed as a rare and exciting opportunity that no man should let pass by; he should be grateful.

Given these beliefs, many people see nothing wrong with a woman pursuing a boy sexually. In fact, in some circles it is considered a good way to introduce boys to heterosexuality. Some fathers take their young sons to prostitutes with the mistaken belief that it is “good” for them. A number of movies, stories, jokes, and fantasies portray older women sexually “seducing” young boys in positive terms.

I agree that, most often, it is the males of our society whom are depicted as being the aggressors. Television is filled with abused females and very few abused males, if any. I recall watching this horrid court room drama about a wife whom was abusing her husband. The program continued and every few minutes the phrase: "Oh, come on, a strong guy like yourself couldn't protect yourself?"

It was such garbage. Believe it or not, many males do not choose to fight those weaker than them. North American society portrays most victims as females and the aggressors as males - thus giving people the impression males are brutish creatures with no control over their strength.

It couldn't be farther from the truth.

Read more on this here.

What To Do If Your Child Has Been Abused

More from Oprah's web site. This information is about how you can deal with your child, should you find your child has been abused.

How to Help Your Child Deal with Molestation

• If your child tells you that he or she has been touched inappropriately, stay calm. Your reaction may make your child feel more guilty or afraid, and they might have a harder time talking about it.
• Tell your child that you are glad they told you about it. Telling was a good way to take care of themselves and also the person who touched them. That person needs help with their "touching problem." Tell your child that you will take care of things. Tell your child that you will need to talk to someone to figure out what to do next. Be careful to not make promises that you cannot keep.
• Seek support and comfort for yourself where the child can't see or hear what you say.
• In order to avoid confusion, anxiety or guilt, children should not overhear conversations about their disclosure. Too much information or discussion can also interfere with the police investigation or prosecution.
• Call your local child abuse hotline or local police department and report the abuse. Failing to report the abuse may mean that other children might get abused, too. Don't try to handle the situation yourself.
• The prognosis for healing after being molested is better for children who are supported and believed when they disclose.
• Don't allow any further contact between your child and the alleged offender. Don't confront the offender yourself.
  

Take Legal Action

• Jill DiCarlo, a Deputy District Attorney who prosecutes child molesters, warns that the biggest mistake a parent can make is not reporting sexual abuse to the authorities.
• It is crucial to the child that you report abuse and pursue prosecution.
• The child has the opportunity to get justice. It gives them satisfaction.
• Persecution helps make sure that the abuser cannot strike again.
  

The source material for this information is here.

Talking To Your Kids About Sexual Abuse

I was reading some information on Oprah's web site a few day ago and found some information I felt was important to pass along. My personal abuse experience was over several years and it was a terrifying experience because I was only 7 when it began. What I think made it more terrifying is that I didn't know what had happened. I was too young to put any of it into any sort of context.

• Talk openly with your children about sexual development, behavior and abuse.
• Use proper or semi-proper names for body parts (penis and vagina), and phrases like: private parts are "private and special."
• Tell your children that if anyone touches or tries to see their private parts; tries to get them to touch or look at another person's private parts; shows them pictures of or tries to take pictures of their private parts; talks to them about sex; walks in on them in the bathroom; or does anything that makes them feel uncomfortable to tell you or a "support person" as soon as they can or the next time they see you.
• Tell your children that some children and adults have "touching problems." These people can make "secret touching" look accidental, and they should still tell you even if they think it might have been accidental.
• Tell your children that touching problems are kind of like stealing or lying, and that the people who have those kinds of problems need special help so they don't continue to have problems or get into trouble. Don't describe it as a "sickness."
• Tell your children that some people try to trick kids into keeping the touching a secret. Tell your children, "We don't want those kinds of secrets in our family."
• Give your children examples of things that someone might use to try to get them to keep a secret: candy, money, special privileges, threats, subtle fear of loss, separation or punishment.
• Make sure they have support people they can talk to at home, at school, in their extended family, neighborhood or church. Have them pick out three people and tell you who they are. Put the phone numbers next to your phone and let them know that, if for any reason they cannot talk to you, they should call or go see another support person.

This is some information with a few helpful hints and suggestions. Whether or not it is "good" advice is up to you. I feel it is, but do more research on your own before talking to your children about sexual abuse.

The source material for this list is here.

The Question Of Why Me?

Abused, Empowered, Survive, Thrive has an entry on their web site about the question of "why me"?

Why Me?Sooner or later every one asks the question, "Why did it happen to me ?"I struggled with that question for years until I found understanding therapists. Lets get some things straight before we go on to look at this question deeper. Your abuser will no doubt of made you feel that the abuse happened because it was your fault in some way. In asking the above question, you are trying to find out what you did wrong. The ONLY thing that you did wrong was to believe your abuser, and whoever that was LIED to you, and USED you. Other than that you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. I know that putting it that simply won't be good enough for you yet, so I shall try to explain the answer a little better if I can. Hopefully the simple answer will be enough for you one day soon.

It is such a simple, yet, powerful question. It can be distracting and irritating. At times, it is a good question. Other times, it can become an obsession. But, is it a good question?

Male Sexual Abuse and Other Abuse Victims

I want readers to know, this site is not just about male sexual abuse. This blog is for all abuse victims. Because I am a male, I can only speak about my experiences and I do not want to speak for everyone.

If you have any information, comments, stories, or anything, please let me know and I will make sure your voice is heard on this blog.

It's An Extraordinary Idea

As most abuse survivors know, there are good days, bad days and very bad days. The bad days tend to surprise us. We may be great the night before, but upon waking, our mind has already decided that this day will be "one of those". It can be difficult to deal with but, eventually, one becomes their happy self again.

I was having a horrible day the other day (not that anyone would have known) and I tried to find something that would cheer me up. I headed off to the bookstore and looked for something that would make me happy. I flipped through a series of books, sat down with a coffee and read for a while.

One of the books I was reading through had this one sentence. I was flipping through and came across is:

It's an extrodinary ordinary idea, that we can restore what has been shattered. In fact it's our responsibilty to try -- each of us -- to make our world whole again.

I needed those words. Very simple words, yet, so very hard to find. No matter how much we try to make ourselves happy, whether you are an abuse survivor or not, there are days when it just doesn't seem like we will ever be happy again.

I can't remember the book that sentence came from (if you find it, please let me know) but I do believe it is a story worth reading. Anything that makes me smile in the depths of my bad day is worth a lot. It is like happiness were coated in gold.

Survivors Of Sexual Abuse

One of the major problems male sexual abuse survivors face is quite simple - shame. It is a very difficult situation to over come. The simple process of talking about emotions is hard enough for some males but talking openly about the abuse they endured makes it almost impossible. Some sale sexual abuse survivors are not able to process some emotional content. And like many abuse survivors, the abuse is difficult to re-live each time they discuss it.

This blog is a resource to try and help those who have never sought help. We welcome any e-mails from abuse survivors who wish to share with us their stories of abuse and how they were able to finally come to terms with it. We will also be providing some general assistance by listing some survivor information.

We know there are many out there wanting to talk but do not have the courage to seek out assistance. We can help. We are not professional therapists, we are merely wishing to point those who are ready for help in the most positive direction we can.

All communication received in our e-mail will never be shared with anyone and any e-mails will be deleted communication has been completed.